Blog The Life of the Perfect Relationship

Disney does a great job of painting a picture of what a perfect relationship looks like. Good looks, a lot of money, a kingdom preferably, ugly villains and witches and a great ending. But life is not like that.

Disney-like perfection in relationships does not just happen. Two mature, grown adults have to work at it. And it is hard work. Tough work. Most couples far underestimate the problems that they are going to face and far overestimate how much money, time and energy they are actually going to have to spend in the relationship.

Reality hits. It hurts to love. Requires a living-type death that doesn’t seem to produce much. We marry to be happy but find out there is no one that can hurt us like our spouse can.

The secret of any relationship is to face the grief together, mature through it and grow it into joy. Happens every time. It is a law of nature. Grieving matures into joy. Maybe not the joy that we thought it would be but real and powerful and life changing joy. And that joy becomes a powerful bond and wonderful expectation whenever we encounter grief. Now we lean into the grief together knowing that we will come out of this with joy.

The worst-case scenario is the loss of a child. Deep grief that cannot be expressed in words and is sacred to those who have experienced and feared by those who have not. It shuts every one up. When the parents grieve together there is a deep quiet calm that carries them through the season of grief. This calm changes them. Every time. There is something they know that they cannot explain. It’s the journey. The deep valley journey and the simple surviving of the valley.

Soldiers share this deep grief and deep joy. Mother’s share about childbirth with the same remembering the pain and then the instantaneous joy that causes them to forget the last nine months.

The couples that make it through the valley are better for it. They know something. Something deeper than themselves. They are one together. Even though he may have caused the pain and he owns that, they have gained something that they will not give up. A calm, a joy from the center of their being about each other. About “us”.

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